This article about high school bullying. 

I was just reading a great interview with Diane Von Fursternberg, and she said something along the lines of-- I never understood the Peter Pan mythology.  I always wanted to grow up and be independent.

That really struck me.  I agree 100%.  I can think of nothing more BORING and suffocating than childhood and adolescence.  There's not enough money in the world that you could pay me to go back to that age or that town. 

  

I wrote recaps of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (barf) for this great site.  Check it out:

www.omgwtftv.com

  

Here are a few one-liners that I wrote at the bar and on the subway home tonight: 

  

College students nationwide worry about whether or not they are partying hard enough (at least college students who aren’t losers) and are always convinced that, with each passing year, the administration is cracking down on partying more and more.  My experience was no different. 

 

During college, I used to write for the student newspaper, The Hamilton College Spectator.  By “write for the student newspaper,” I mean that every so often I’d have a brain fart, form it into a semi-coherent rant about an inane topic (why I love that Eddie Vedder’s acceptance speeches at awards shows can usually be summarized as, “thanks, I guess, even though it’s impossible to have a ‘winner’ in art”) and submit it to the article-strapped student newspaper. 

 

My senior year I hit my stride, writing about pressing issues including my theory that the lack of partying on campus was an administration conspiracy enacted by manipulating the apathy of college students, and the fact that freshmen (or as we called them at Hamilton, “first years”) are idiots who should be seen and not heard, at least until they learn how to party properly. 

 

One article that I wrote will always stick with me: my tribute to North Court.  On the Hamilton campus, groups (Greek, a cappella, goth, and otherwise) don’t have houses, but can reserve social spaces (indestructible cafeteria-like rooms) in which to host parties and gatherings.  North Court was one such space and it has become the stuff of legend.  I had the pleasure of partying in North Court during my freshman and sophomore year and it was a horrifically disgusting delight.  In the shanty that was North Court there was a CD player with speakers, a stage for dancing, an area for kegs, and ample space for milling around, flirting, making out, and the like.  The toilets were always clogged, the floors sloped so that spilled beer would pool in one corner, and the windows were barred (as if there was anything worthwhile to steal inside North Court, save a V Card). 

 

When I returned to Hamilton’s campus fall of my junior year, our beloved North Court had been turned into an office.  An office with residual beer coating every nook and cranny, but an office nonetheless.  Hamilton students were crestfallen.  I was angry and saw the closing of North Court as an example of the administration cracking down on partying more and more (OF COURSE!), a worrisome phenomenon that is happening on all college campuses all the time, according to college students. 

 

So I crafted a North Court tribute article and submitted it to The Spectator.  My article centered on the simile that Hamilton was like a mullet: business up front, party in the back.  But by closing down infamous party house North Court, the administration had effectively eliminated the “party in the back,” giving Hamilton a modern haircut that wasn’t associated with 1980s hockey players and somehow, this shearing was a bad thing. (Please note: I was a junior in college and was known to connect any conversation to either mullets, the Samples, or Guns ‘n Roses—just go with me as we skate on this thin metaphor.)  All that remained was the “business up front,” of academics and students had no social outlets.  

 

I submitted this piece to The Spectator and waited a few days to see it in print.  In a situation that can only be termed bizarrely synchronous, a fellow student happened to submit an article entirely about mullets that same week.  The editor didn’t want mullet overkill, so he decided to go with zero mullet mentions by not publishing the other article and rewriting my article (horribly).  Allegedly, the editor called my room to warm me of his edits, but I was out partying (like a NON-LOSER! zing!) and never got the news. 

 

So when The Spectator came out on Friday and I read the article to which my name was attached, I was shocked and outraged.  I immediately thought of the aforementioned mullet metaphor and convinced myself that it was all a big conspiracy.  A double conspiracy, really.  The closure of North Court was an attempt to eliminate the “party in the back” segment of “business up front, party in the back” AND The Spectator’s refusal to publish my article about said metaphor was yet another scheme to highlight the “business up front” WITHOUT the proper party in the back!  You must have the party to have the business, you see?  It’s a yin/yang balance.  I got into a loop in which my attempts to expose the injustice of North Court’s closing (using a mullet metaphor) were squelched in the exact same manner as the original “party in the back” elimination. 

 

Yes, such things concerned me greatly in college.  Those were the days, man. 

 

 

  

Pussycats!

I spent last week on vacation in Costa Rica and it was fantastic.  Here's a beautifully bulleted recap below.  We did the following things:

-Hiking (Arenal volcano): to which I wore an old pair of Princeton mesh shorts that I bought years ago.  I didn't attend Princeton, but our sweet hiking guide asked if I had.  I responded, "I didn't attend Princeton.  I just like shorts."  TRUTH!
-We visited some gorgeous hot springs (near Arenal) and floated around while drinking pina coladas.  It doesn't get much more stereotypically vacation-y than that, folks! I also spoke French to some Frenchies, which was super fun.
-We visited a gorgeous waterfall where Wes wisely opted out of swimming, lest he be bitten by a Penis Fish.  It's a real thing-- no joke.  They bite you in the... well... you can figure it out, kiddos.
-We got poolside massages , which was the dopeness.
-We went sailing on a private charter.  I was living like an asshole Richie!
-I even had a  spin on the dance floor with a HOT local construction worker. I am now broadening my definition of "my type" to include both Boston construction workers AND Costa Rican construction workers.  DIVERSITY!

What's coming down the pipeline NOW, you ask? 

Laughs at Luca Lounge tonight (Ave B between 13th and 14th St) at 8:30pm.  Thursday night I'm in the show God Tastes Like Chicken at Under St. Marks Theater, then a gig in upstate NY on Saturday night.  Then V-day weekend I'll be in Boston, so hold onto your socks, Massholes. 

  

  

A fantastic show for only $3 if you order tix now!  Do it!

  

Amigos!

Tonight LAUGHS AT LUCA LOUNGE is back for more hilarity in the 2K10.  This year we are kicking off with our show EVERY MONDAY NIGHT!  Yahooo!  So come on out tonight for free pizza, free comedy & drink specials!

Laughs at Luca Lounge (Ave B just south of 14th Street)
Standup from Carolyn Castiglia, Jiwon Lee, Sean Donnelly, Dan Goodman, Giulia Rozzi, Heidi Edsall!
8:00 free pizza & drink specials; 8:30pm SHOW!

  

Amigos! 

  

Upcoming shows

 

Sunday / Dec 20 / 8:30pm / Ditch Comedy Sundays at Bar 4 / 15^th St and 7^th Ave, Park Slope, BK / Free!

Fantastic standup show right in my hood!

 

Monday / Dec 21 / 8:00pm / Laughs at Luca Lounge (Ave B just south of 14^th Street) / Free!

Standup & storytelling at my fantastic new show in the village

 

Tuesday / Dec 22 / 9:00pm / Dykes on Mics at Ochi’s Lounge (basement of Comix, 14^th St and 9^th Ave, NYC) / Free!

Awesome standup show hosted by homos, with a few token heteros thrown in

 

Monday / Jan 4 / 8:00pm / Laughs at Luca Lounge (Ave B just south of 14^th Street) / Free!

Standup & storytelling at my fantastic new show in the village

 

Tuesday / Jan 5 / 9:30pm / Seriously LOL at Metropolitan (Brooklyn) / Fre!

 

Wednesday / Jan 6 / 9:30pm / What Happened at Comix (14^th and 9^th Ave, NYC) / $3 in advance, $8 at the door

 

Saturday / Jan 16 / Standup at Starr Place (Rhinebeck, NY)

 

  

I just read this online:

Heidi Klum has officially changed her name to Heidi Samuel, taking Seal's last name, four years and four kids after getting hitched.

Heidi is taking Seal's last name... but Seal doesn't even use Seal's last name.  Wah? 

I don't get the name stuff.  I mean, I guess it makes sense if you have kids and you don't want the kids to be confused or weirded-out. But I just don't think I could give up my identify like that.

  

Hey heeey!

I love referring to Thanksgiving as "T Giving" because it gives me dumb chills with how corny it is.  Delightful. 

So tell me, dear reader(s)-- do the following things make me a complete tool?

-Last night I had a neighborhood friend over for sushi & red wine.  Poor Amy-- I then proceeded to torture her with my beloved country light music.  Cued up on a CD boom box, no less.  I love it so much that it brings me to tears sometimes.  SERIOUSLY.  Last night I put on "My Wish" my frickin' RASCAL FLATTS (a band whose claim-to-fame is that their lead singer looks like an old lesbian) and got choked up just listening to that song.  Man-- I toggle between being a really emotionally available person who can cry over a pop song posing as a country song, then other times being the merciless taunter of such people.  Ahh life, you yin-yang thrill ride!

-Lately I'm huge into the country band Lady Antebellum.  Their band name might be yet another southern allusion to the Civil War, but those three kiddos know how to pen a love ballad ("Need You Now"-- look it up if you do one thing with your crazy life.  If you do one OTHER thing with your life, look up their jazzier tune, "Run To You.")

-The character Ella on Melrose Place actually makes me laugh.

-The TV show "Intervention" is gaining popularity and notoriety.  I've been making jokes about how I need an "Intervention" intervention for YEARS.  I have loved that show since it was a bizarre freak-show and Liz Simons and I were its sole fans (or so it seemed).  Now everybody loves it and that upsets me.  I'm a ridiculous jerk, I know.  

-I am FB friends with a person who is like a real-life Jean Teasdale (the amazing "columnist" in The Onion). I keep her as a FB friend (despite the fact that I really don't know her at all) simply because her status updates are SO moronic, bland, and predictable. I can't resist. I break out in HIVES from the dumb chills I get after reading her status updates... and I love it.  If you have lived without reading Jean Teasdale's column: (1) you haven't truly lived; (2) here it is, lazy buns.

The other day I received the nicest cat-call of my life.  A guy walked by me on the street and yelled, "Wow! You look really nice today!"  I guess that's just a compliment, but his delivery was undeniably cat-call-style.  I ignored him, though, because when I walk on the street and listen to corny, faux country music on my iPod, I like to pretend that I'm in a movie montage showing my day-to-day life, and my character could care less about such cat-calls.  She's got a great head of hair and a job to get to! 

  

Hey pussycats!

What a great weekend!  I played a gig in Easton on Friday night and the crowd was awesome & energetic.  Really fun show.  Saturday night I chilled in South Boston with my buddy A and now I'm back in NYC.  Tonight is our 2nd show of Laughs at Luca Lounge (Avenue B just south of 14th Street).  Come on out for awesome standup & storytelling and FREE PIZZA!  For reals!

A few quick things-

--That song "Fireflies" by Owl Eyes is what glitter would sound like if it made noise.  Or maybe it's the sound of pixie dust.  I also love how the artist is "Owl Eyes" but in reality it's just one dude.  I want to do that at the next party I attend.  Be like, "Selena Coppock isn't coming... Robot Prancer is" and then I just show up. 

--When I'm driving alone (a rarity), my favorite thing to do is have fake conversations in a thick Boston accent.  More the blue collar Boston accent than the old Kennedy Boston accent.  Just the other day I was driving around Wayland and I was all, "Donny-- mum said ya not allowed in my rum! Ya took my winta laga and you know that's MY beeya!  You git the summa laga, but stay outta my rum!" 

  

Another brilliant answer (from yours truly) to yet another stupid ass question.  Check it here. 

  

coming your way!

Check it out:

http://www.stupidassquestions.com/Stupid_Ass_Question_of_the_Day.html

  

Last night was our first show of Laughs at Luca Lounge (standup, storytelling, comedic characters & songs) and it was absolutely amazing!

We had an amazing turnout of comedians & audience alike, fantastic sets out of everyone, amazing energy, delicious (free) pizza & drink specials, tons of friendly peeps who were ready to laugh-- it couldn't have been better.  I was super happy with my set, too, which was nice since much of it was relatively new stuff that I'm working out.  So nice when an audience really "gets" it.  Thanks so much to everyone who came out. 

Check out the next show on Monday 11/23.  Drinks at 8pm, show at 8:30ish.  In the new year we'll be moving to EVERY MONDAY!  Wahoooo!  Luca Lounge is on Avenue B just south of 14th Street. 

  

Pussycats!

Every day this week I will be giving out terrible advice on the great website www.stupidassquestions.com. 

Check out the first one here!

  

Just got lunch at a deli where I do lots of writing & memorizing.  Reviewing some jokes for my show tonight (at the Brooklyn Lyceum at 10pm-- come out!  The show is "Gentrify Brooklyn" and it's got tons of radness- Pangea 3000, Sidecar, and more!).

At lunch I was forced to witness THREE couples caressing each other and two tables of Yankee fans in head-to-toe sweatpant Yankee gear.  Blech.  Shockingly, I was able to keep my lunch down.  I can't say as much for the asian kid at the table next to me.  For reals-- kiddo booted. 

  

Riddle me this: was this rude of me?  Here's the story--

Saturday night was Halloween and I clocked in my 3rd year dressed as Farrah Fawcett.  It's just too easy and I love it.  Sadly, the feathered hair is hard to properly coat in hairspray and it oftentimes falls out before I even arrive at my destination.  George came over and we had some beers, then we hopped on the F to a dance party at Karma.  The F was running all crazy, so we had to get off in Greenwich Village and fight out way through creepy crowds of drunk people.  Crowds make me VERY anxious and I had a hard time getting through there.  Plus it was raining.  We finally arrives at Karma and headed to the bathrooms, then I lost George for a few.  The bouncer gave me a hard time about my puffy vest (I told him it was part of the costume and I couldn't take it off-- true), it was packed in there, I was wet, my hair had fallen apart.  I just needed a moment to chill and have a beer and get in the party mood.  Some guy comes over to me and introduces himself.  I shake his hand and say, "Are you a comedian?" because he'd been talking to comedians I know.  I don't recall his response, but I do recall that he said, "OK-- pick a number between 1 and 10..." and waited for my response. 

Are you serious?  You want to play guessing games?  Really? How about we actually have a conversation and socialize like adult humans, rather than picking numbers out of the air so that we can play 1-on-1 icebreaker games.

So I go, "No no no--I'm not playing a weird 'pick-a-number' game with you. I want to hang out with my friends and have fun" and I walked away. 

Rude?  Or did I imply save myself from a lame, faux-magician?

  

According to the statistics, my entry about Fall 2001 and singer Res is being slammed with hits lately.  Not sure why.  Are there some DU brothers lurking out there, reading my blog?  Res fans?  Townies?  Either way, it's all good.  Stick around and enjoy yourself!  Take a look-see at other stuff!

I'm fired up for this weekend.  Halloween time!  I'm dressing as Farrah Fawcett yet again.  This makes it a delightful hattrick.  Only no hats will be worn.  My dope hair was MADE to be feathered & flipped out.  Radness!