Cue up the Quad City DJ’s “Come on Ride the Train” because the bachelorette is taking this show on the RAILS (get it?).  Where Michelle, Tameka & Tanya at? 

This week we’ve got a group date and two 1:1 dates.  And where is all this madness going down?  On a train cruising across Canada!!!  

 

Can you think of a WORSE getaway?  No seriously—rack your brain.  Can you think of anything SUCKIER than being in a moving vehicle, in Canada, no less, for three days straight?  I can’t.  And you could see it in the guy’s eyes as Chris Harrison announced the “exciting” train plan.  Harrison tried to dress it up (“We’ll be taking the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilds of Canada!”) but you just can’t put lipstick on that pig.  It’s like on “The Price Is Right” when they announce the suckier of the 2 showcases and it’s so blatantly clear which one stinks.  One showcase is a 3 week trip to Bali with gorgeous waterfront accommodations and then a car thrown in there for when you return to the states.  And the 2^nd showcase is a home recreation set!  Table tennis!  Parcheesi!  Checkers!  Limited Edition Monopoly!  You can just see the fake enthusiasm in the 2^nd contestant’s face.  I mean, I guess that a free home recreation set is a free home recreation set (and tradition is tradition)—but to be THISCLOSE to a sick trip to Bali, only to walk away with a basement full of games?  It’s sad.  About as sad as a cross-Canadian train trip.

 

Robby gets the first one-on-one date, and Jillian immediately puts him to work bartending because booze makes the world go round.  Or at least makes this show somewhat interesting.  Jillian does her best impression of a Golden Girl, saying how Robby (age 25) makes her feel “young again” (note, she’s 29).  Robby makes an equally bizarre point, saying how, “Love has no age. Love has no job.”  And neither you, buddy.  Whatever helps you sleep at night.  If nothing else, dude looks handsome, although the scenery whizzing by kinda makes me more nauseated than his impression of the little engine that could, when he says, “I think I can, I think I can.”  Apparently ya can’t, kiddo, as Robby gets the boot and is left on the side of the tracks in the Canadian wilderness. 

 

Up next, a group date of snowshoeing.  Tanner fulfills his super-creepy role and helps Jillian with her snow shoes, so that he can be somewhat close to her feet.  Dude—her feet have boots on them.  They play hide & go seek and Jake finds Jillian and then proceeds to “slip in a little cuddle” (his cheesy words, not mine) which tells us what we need to know about Jake.  Jillian keeps saying that he’s perfect, but it’s not that.  Dude is just CORNY.  He’s sweet and cute and nice, but just way too “gee wiz!” and “neato!” If this were The Bachelorette circa 1950, he’d have the competition sewn up.  Alas, it’s 2K9 and telling a girl that she’s like your mom and super neat isn’t that cool.   

 

Meanwhile, Reid is trapped alone on the empty train surrounded by snow, like it’s “The Shining 2” (kinda like how “Speed” took place on a bus and “Speed 2” took place on a boat.)  He asks a staff member if he should go with glasses on or off (ON!) and let’s just hope she’s not an apparition that he’s cooked up.

 

The group date heads back to a ski chalet where Tanner seals his fate by showing off his awful underwear (tightey whiteys) and yet again, referring to himself in the 3^rd person as “Daddy.”  He must be taking a page from Brian’s book (remember him? The loser who got naked & jumped in the pool during episode 2) by mixing up “stepping up my game” with “being creepy and naked and making things weird.”

 

Speaking of creepy, Wes gets creepier every episode, and yet NONE of the guys are willing to do anything about it (except Tanner, sorta half-heartedly).  In this episode, Wes manages to mention his album yet again, talk about how he’s made it 6 episodes and that will help sell records, and how he can TASTE the fame that he’s getting from this.  Again, his words, not mine.   (And buddy, the fame that you’re tasting—does that taste anything like Jamie “How Do You Talk to an Angel” Walter’s fame?  Cause it goes bad real quick and you find yourself on “Confessions of a Teen Idol” if you’re lucky.  (Parenthesis within parenthesis for  a real nugget of useless info: I must admit that Jamie Walters was the most normal, functional participant in that show. Then again, he was up shacking up with nutjobs like Eric “Remember The Grind? Remember?” Nies and Jeremy “I was the only not-hot person on Baywatch” Johnson.  Now, time to get outta these parenthesis before this whole thing blows!))  My point is this: Wes, if you think that being the creepy bad guy on “The Bachelorette” is going to help you sell records, you’re delusional. 

 

Later, when Tanner admits that he’s the one who told Jillian about some guys having girlfriends, Wes tees off about how he hates tattle-tales.  First, can we not talk like 6 year olds, please? The correct phrasing, if drug dealers and murderers of Boston are any indication, is “stop snitching” and ya know who pushes the “stop snitching” agenda?  People who have stuff to worry about being snitched on.  (Same way that the only people who tell you to “relax” or “take it easy” or “calm down” are people who are probably doing something bad and you should NOT relax when you’re around them.  I always say, “Ya know who LOVES telling people to ‘relax’?  Pedophiles.”  Well, I don’t ALWAYS say that, because how often does a discussion of pedophilia come up?  Either way, I drop it when it’s applicable.)     

 

Time for Reid’s 1:1 and he takes the train ghost’s advice and goes sans glasses.  Bad choice!  Your frames are super cute!  They go snowboarding, which looks wholly nightmarish, but Reid does his best.  We then learn that Reid is Jewish (“It’s like every morning is Christmas morning!” / “Christmas morning is just a morning when I wake up and have no gifts”), a bit annoying and neurotic (according to Jesse), and a bit of a hypochondriac (discussing the potential cross-contamination involved in fondue).  He makes a great joke about high blood pressure and admits that he normally dates blondes.  I knew I liked this guy.  Needless to say, Jillian completely misses the blood pressure joke and is doomed to endure life as a brunette, so I’m not so sure about the future for these two.  (No offense to my brunette peeps—I just know that I can’t swing it.  I was a brunette for 6 months in London and I made myself INSANE with how badly I wanted back to blondeness.)  Jillian also admits that she doesn’t wash fruit & vegetables when she buys them.  Wah?  Who does that? Do you also grow your own fungus for penicillin? 

 

Finally, time for the rose ceremony.  Reid & Kiptyn were already given roses (during the fondue date and in a hottub, respectively), and she has 3 more to give out.  Jesse, Michael, and Wes get roses.  2 out of 3 good choices.  Kiptyn’s going to take this whole thing, though.

 

Who went home?  Foot fetish Tanner & simpleton Jake.  What can we learn from these two?

Tanner—don’t be a super creep (but DO listen to “Super Tramp” if you can—I never tire of “Take the Long Way Home.”)   If you find yourself saying things like, “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family” and, “Her feet are probably a 9 to a 9.5.  If her toes were painted Mango Mango, it would be a 10” just take yourself out of the game and get yourself into a foot fetish rehab, stat.

Jake—don’t be so earnest & corny.  He’s perfectly nice and friendly, but just a bit boring and vanilla.  As Maypo’s agent says in “Maypo’s Final Adventure,” I’ve got butter knives with more edge than you have. 

 

Up next?  Hometown dates!  5 of them. Does this seem excessive to anyone else?  Perhaps my memory is going, but I feel like there used to be 3-4 hometown dates.  5 seems like a lot.  Also, they travel to Spain (thank goodness we’re finally getting out of Canada), Wes shamelessly plugs his band some more, and Jake comes back in a pilot uniform, which surprisingly, doesn’t impress me much (barf—I just referenced a Shania Twain song circa 1999).  Normally I love men in uniform (seriously—cop, fireman, Fedex, those vests that say “Contractor” worn by guys fixing the subway), but Jake in a pilot uniform doesn’t do it for me.   

 

Until next week…

  

My apologies for the tardiness of this recap, dear readers.  Monday night I had a show, then the week just got away from me with social obligations, work, the gym, complaining about the incessant rain, being frustrated that a head of hair this phenomenal is stuck in a hat and/or ponytail because of this weather, going to a bar wearing yoga pants (last night), and monitoring the delivery of my dope new tan pumps (let’s see if I can walk on almost 4 inch heels).  Lots of stuff.  But here I am!  Just watched another 2 hour Bachelorette episode and I’m ready to lay down some smack-talk. 

 

I missed the first 20 minutes of the show because I’m an idiot.  I forgot to set my DVR, so on Monday evening I texted my roommate and asked her to do it.  She was babysitting, so couldn’t get there until the show had already begun.  That was a thrill-ride of a story, huh?  So I missed the first 20 minutes, but I imagine it involved a few scenes of all the boys gathered ‘round Chris Harrison, hearing that there would be two separate 1:1 dates and a group date that week.  20 minutes of my life, saved! 

 

1:1 with Michael

I joined the program while Jillian & Michael were on a rainy 1:1 date, eating dinner in a wine cellar.  This keeps with the theme of “dinner in underground claustrophobia-inducing locations” already set with dinner in the bank vault.  My knowledge of Bachelorette trivia is quite embarrassing.  They learn how to saber a bottle of champagne, Michael sweetly calls himself a “cheesy ass helpless romantic” (not to be confused with a “Cheese Ass,” the favorite nickname doled out by Hot Psycho) and generally charms Jillian and the viewers.  He’s very sweet and likable.  Jillian talks about how marriage might be hard times and makes a bizarre reference to “tiptoeing through the tulips.”  Could we please NOT reference creepy songs that have been covered by ukulele legend Tiny Tim?  Thanks!  Overall, good date, nothing dramatic.

 

Meanwhile, back at the house, a bunch of the guys are speculating about which guy has a girlfriend, and we cut to a shot of Wes peering down on this conversation from the stair railing.  I’d be willing to bet my entire life savings (about $400 and some rare Guns ‘n Roses collectors items) that this shot of Wes was taken completely separately from that actual conversation, otherwise this whole thing is playing out a bit too much like a Gilbert & Sullivan musical (minus the “gentlemen of Japan”—there aint NO asian boys up in here). 

 

Time for a group date which is introduced as “Taking a Snow Day” and they mean that in the literal sense, not that this group date will be a coke-fueled orgy.  If only “The Bachelorette” were on HBO…

 

The cruise around the Vancouver woods on snowmobiles, do a lot of talking, drink some stuff out of thermoses, and generally resemble a white trash posse of Harley Davidson fanatics, only in a snowier setting.  While Robby has some alone time with Jillian, Wes and Tanner talk smack, with Wes saying that Robby “drinks like a fish and doesn’t have a job.”  OK, guitar-strumming Iago-like creepster, you really have a right to come down others for their untraditional life choices.  (Holy play references, readers!  Ya seen those so far?  The Mikado & Othello—what is this, my sophomore year “Intro to Performance Lit” class with kickass Professor Wheatley?  I wish it were, because that would mean that I’m working out 2 hours/day and subsisting on chai smoothies from Café Opus.)

 

One-by-one, Jillian talks to the guys and grills them about the ongoing issue of who has a girlfriend back home.  Tanner slips into bizarre oracle-mode, with his insistence that he can’t say WHO, but someone does, and Jillian will figure it out eventually.  Dude, just SPIT IT OUT!  You’re not friends with Wes- who cares?  Over the course of these one-on-one chats, Reid is cute & funny, Wes reminds the viewers at home that he HAS A CD COMING OUT, Kiptyn is hooooot and prompts Jillian to slip into drunk face & drunk talk.  As Jillian was saying to Kiptyn, “I like you… do you like me?” I was cringing at her inability to play it cool with a dude.  What are you… ME?  For realsies.  When did everyone else get a copy of “How to Play It Cool Even When You Think He’s Hot” and commit it to memory?  Perhaps during the brief period in my childhood when I had to wear an eye patch?  (Not kidding.  Nothing worse than getting sand kicked in your eye on Cape Cod.  But at least it was at an age when resembling a pirate was pretty cool.) 

 

Ed plants the seed that his boss isn’t happy and he’s worried about his job.  Understandably.   You gotta wonder what these people do for work, if they can take off a few months to attempt to find love.  Same with the tools who do Real World or Road Rules or those challenges that will somewhat quench their insatiable need to be famous for the remainder of their lives.   I know that for any job I’ve held (and that illustrious resume includes bagel sandwich maker charged with the nightmare task of enforcing the “no toasting” policy, Crate & Barrel employee accursed of having a “bad attitude” because I said the computer systems were ghetto, Gap employee reprimanded for reorganizing the “scents section,” token white girl in the mailroom of a big Boston law firm, peddler of ice cream cakes to fat boys and Diet Cokes to anorexic girls, editor, tour guide) I could NEVER take off an undetermined period of time and expect to come back to my job.  Just not how the world works, kiddos. 

 

Jillian and Jesse hop on a klap-trap plane (is that even a thing? I just mean a plane that seems wicked budget) and head up to a glacier, where they flop around and roughhouse like two golden retrievers on a first date.  Jesse loves them official proclamations, which his constant reminders that this is his “Best Date! Best Day! Remember Forever!”  What is this, a sixth grade yearbook message?   Have a great summer!

 

Jesse compliments Jillian’s voice, which I think is bizarre because her voice sounds like it’s in a constant state of almost crying, and her interstitial interview pieces have seemed like wicked drunkface all over the place. Jillian and Jesse hop in a hottub and flop around, then she gives him a rose and he holds it in his hand.  I WISH the Bachelorette would get serious about the 1:1 rose ceremony and ask the guys to pierce it into their skin.  I mean, do you want to find love OR NOT!? 

 

Time for Chris Harrison’s dream scenario: Ed’s departure, which is UNPRECEDENTED IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY!  Jillian makes Ed promise that when he does meet his soul mate, that he not jeopardize love for his job.  Lady, that’s a pretty passive-aggressive comment and this isn’t a case of him turning his back on PURE LOVE for work.  Ed is leaving a bizarre TV show in which he’s kept in a holding pen for probably 3 out of 4 days, only to be released for days of binge-drinking and feats of human strength.  Ed leaves and we see some precious shots of Jillian riding a ski lift alone, staring off listlessly.  Cry me a river, girl.

 

Finally, rose ceremony time.  But first, some faux therapy from Chris Harrison, and fuzzy flashback shots.  Jillian decides to scrap the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, saying, “Let’s get down to business.”  Yeah, the BUSINESS of LOVE!  I’d better get a return on THIS investment, am I right!?  I love bad metaphors!   No big news here—she sends Mark home.  No surprise—dude’s standoffish and just not hot.  Though I must admit that my heart went out to Mark when he revealed that he’s been cheated on FOUR TIMES.  What kind of girls are you dating!?   

 

Coming up: Wes wears corny shirts, somebody experiences erectile dysfunction, and Chris Harrison starts a cognitive behavioral therapy program with Jillian (only kidding, therapy geeks).  And I promise I’ll be quicker with the recaps next time around.

 

 

 

  

  

Pussycats!

Lenny D (me) has been a busy bee these past few days!  I know that THOUSANDS of loyal readers were checking my site last night and this morning, hoping, praying for a scathing "Bachelorette" recap.  Can we pick up the pieces now that the Hot Psycho has been given the Heisman?  Can Jillian continue to ignore the obvious fact that Wes is Creepy McCreeperstein?  Can Chris Harrison say anything other than, "this is the last rose of the night"??  Well, dear readers, your dreams of shit-talkery were dashed, when no post appeared this morning.  "What gives, Lenny?" you are probably saying. 

Last night I competed in the New York Comedy Contest and I had a blast, so I couldn't tune into the Bachelorette.  Fear not, (I think) that my lovely roommate DVR'd it for me, so I'll watch it this week and post an especially random, disjointed missive just to make up for the delay. 

As far as the contest, I didn't advance in my prelim.  I'm feeling great, though.  I had a fantastic set and got it on tape, I had a ton of fun, and I saw some good friends.  Great stuff overall. 

  

I managed to do the following things today:

-I heard a few of my all-time favorite songs, including "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star and The Sundays' version of "Wild Horses"
-I managed to FINALLY discover a pair of hot, tan pumps.  This has been an ongoing search and I just don't have the time (or patience) for traditional shopping.  I ordered them online.  Let's hope they rule as much as O'Doyle rules.
-I had scallion pancakes for lunch while memorizing my set for the NY Comedy Contest next week.
-I discovered a men's lacrosse league here in NYC for some summertime stalking... err... sports-watching.
-I read most of this month's "Bust" magazine.  If you've never read it, pick it up.  That magazine (and Bitch Magazine) have renewed my faith in the women's magazine industry. 

Last night I read an entire memoir cover-to-cover.  I couldn't put it down.  It was like reading my own story.  Pretty weird feeling.  The author is speaking in NYC in 2 weeks.  Hopefully I can meet her and tell her how much I loved her story.

Now I'm meeting up with a comedy friend for happy hour priced wine & to talk about a theatre space.  Good day   

  

This was certainly an exciting episode of The Bachelorette, as we had some delightfully cringe-worthy moments (“I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before”) and a pair of enemies who were ironically rejected together.   

 

Chris Harrison did some heavy lifting in this episode, gathering the boys in the bunk house and observing an interesting display of hats.  Robby in a fedora--hot!  David in a fitted hat backwards—hot, despite its vague resemblance to an oversized yarmulke.  Chris announced that that the boys were relocating to Vancouver (where the 2010 winter Olympics will be taking place, in case you somehow missed the heavy-handed promotions), where there would be a group date, a one-on-one, and a two-on-one (get your mind out of the gutter!).

 

Everybody wanted the one-on-one date, but Juan put it best (and by best, I mean worst), saying that he wanted the one-on-one time so that he could “come out of my skin.”  Huh?  Do you mean, come out of your SHELL?  Do you know how mollusks work?  You don’t often hear references to “coming out of my skin” unless you are talking to a serpent, in which case, don’t let him convince you to eat an apple or else shiz is going to get whack.  (Random aside: The only reason I know anything about Milton’s Paradise Lost is thanks to Margie Thickstun’s 9:00 a.m. class that I took during my senior year of college.  Yes, a 9:00 a.m. class during spring of senior year!?  Now THAT is how you please your father.  Seriously.)    But enough time spent proving that I have a degree in English Literature.  Let’s get back to “The Bachelorette”!

 

Kiptyn was the lucky boy chosen for the 1:1 date and what a date it was: GROCERY SHOPPING!  All these years I’ve been spending first dates at restaurants or bars or theaters.  Little did I know that a 1:1 game of “Supermarket Sweep” and time spent feeding filthy pigeons would be a much better first date option.  Kiptyn knocks it out of the park, of course.  He’s cute, sweet, chill and really into volunteering.  With all Kiptyn & Jillian’s talk of volunteering, I almost felt like I was back in high school when you start getting all that “You gotta do a million volunteer hours to show colleges that you’re not an asshole” propaganda.  The date went well, and I think Kiptyn’s got it locked up.  If Kiptyn doesn’t take this whole thing, it will be a bigger injustice than when Mindy didn’t win Bret Michael’s heart during Rock of Love 3.  It would be THAT bad.  

 

For the group date, they play everyone’s favorite sport: Curling.  We get more of the same from a lotta the guys: Michael is cute and hilarious; Juan is a total weakling; David is crazy competitive; Wes appears stoned and is probably plotting how he can casually bring his guitar out onto the ice and play an acoustic version of “Oh Canada” for the cameras.  The red team wins, so those boys get to have dinner and drinks with Jillian that night. 

 

Cut to later that night, when the boys are all cleaned up and thankfully, David has changed out of his bright white sweatpants (worn much too high on his hips) and sweatshirt TUCKED INTO said sweatpants.  Jesse rocks a lame white newsboy-style hat that makes his head look like a snowman from those 1980s Christmas specials where the snowmen cruise around and it’s some sort of stop-motion animation.  (Gosh, that sentence was horrific.  But I’m married to my words—deal with it.)  Jillian and Jake have an awkward talk about how he’s “too perfect” but I tend to think that the problem isn’t that he’s too perfect, it’s that there’s no there there, ya know?  He seems sweet and simple—but opinions or unique thoughts probably aren’t his strong suit. 

 

On the other end of the spectrum, David’s forte is definitely opinions and Jillian’s conversation with him is SO painful to watch it’s laughable.  David’s trying so hard to “right the ship” with Jillian that he seems desperate and pushy.  Too bad, Hot Psycho.  This scene is where he drops the gem that he’s “never been turned down for a kiss before,” makes jokes about how Jillian has a great ass, and comments that her t$#s are hanging out.  So much classy stuff in a 3 minute conversation.  It’s so obvious that he’s getting the boot, but Hot Psycho needs to pick up the clue phone.  He thinks Jillian is just challenging him.  Dude’s delusional and clueless. 

 

The 2:1 date is Mike (uber-guido baseball guy from Staten or Long Island) and Mark (random pizza entrepreneur guy) .  Mike lays it on thick, making the entire date feel like an awkward episode of MTV’s “Dismissed” circa 2002.  Unfortunately, Mark’s laid-back attitude appeals to Jillian (despite the fact that it seems like he could care less about being there), and Mike is sent home in the ski gondola.  This continues the pattern of rejected guys being carted away via public transportation.  “The Bachelorette” is so green!

 

There will be drama during this cocktail party and rose ceremony, because we’ve got a Shakespearean storm raining down in Vancouver. Intrigue!   Jake says that Wes is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and if the most mild-mannered, nice guy in the group thinks you’re a creep, you must be a HUGE creep.  We learn that Wes has a girlfriend back home, but for some reason, Jillian isn’t let in on this secret.  Way to go, producers!  In her quest for love, don’t let her know that a front-runner is an absolute skeeve.  TELEVISION! 

 

Tanner P. finally drops the hammer (half-way), telling her that some of the guys aren’t here for the right reasons, and some of them have girlfriends back home.  Jillian cancels the cocktail party so that she can go stare at a wall of photos and pretend that Chris Harrison is her therapist. 

 

The crew assembles for a rose ceremony, and Chris Harrison goes off the script and asks the guys to “man up” (you taking lines from the Hot Psycho?) and confess who has a girlfriend back at home.  A few of the guys chime in that they are PISSED that somebody has a GF and they’re here looking for love, blah blah blah.  One of the guys who says this is Wes, of all people.   The whole thing is laughable, but I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison.  He’s been making the same 5 Bachelor/Bachelorette announcements for the past 18 seasons (God has it been that long? Yes!), so this improvising must have been a real challenge for him (it’s all relative) and I bet he’ll snap up some sort of “Reality TV Host” award for it.  Jeff Probst is going down!  

In the end, nobody comes forward, nothing is resolved, and yet the rose ceremony continues as usual.  Whatevs.  A few thoughts on some who made it through:

Reid—nice glasses!  This guy is growing on me.

Wes—made it through.  Blech.  In the next episode he’ll get the boot.

 

So who was sent home?  The odd couple of Juan and David, who hate each other.  What can we learn from these two?

Juan: Don’t be an effeminate “cheese ass” who seems smooth enough to have a boyfriend back home.  Peace out.
David:  Don’t be a barbarian drunk and act shocked to meet a girl who doesn’t worship you.  David was a real let-down and the icing on the cake was when he went up to Jillian after the rose ceremony and asked “Why?”  Dude!  Chill out!  Have some class and just say goodbye, walk away, and save face.  You’re a hot psycho covered in tats and filled with aggression… hows abouts you call me sometime, k?  

 

Coming up—more snow sports, Jillian finally clues in that Wes is bad news, and Chris Harrison continues his slow climb to the top of the Reality TV host heap. 

 

 

  

Another episode of the thrill-ride known as "The Bachelorette" is coming down the pipeline this very evening.  I'll be DVR-ing that stuff in case I'm not home from book club in time.  I'm in a mostly-gay book club (as in, mostly homosexuals; not "gay" in 6th grade terms) and we just read "Fight Club."  Goodness gracious I'm late to the party with that one!  I've never seen the movie and I'd never read the book.  I HAVE met Edward Norton and from what I understand, his physique in the movie is doooope, which was definitely NOT the case the night that I met him.  I mistook him for a pasty, somewhat pudgy random whose co-workers probably say that he sorta resembles Edward Norton.  Nope-- it was the real thing.  Bizarro land.  That was my first week living in NYC and it lead me to foolishly believe that I'd run into LOTS of celebs at assorted cocktail parties and gatherings.  Not so.

This weekend was a reunion of the GLOB29 (Gorgeous Ladies of Babbit 29) and we had a blast.  Fear not, we don't actually refer to ourselves as "GLOB29."  So great to see the girls. 

Here's a random thing I'm thinking--
Whenever I stop into a pub and sit at the bar for quick pint, and a stranger from down the bar starts a conversation with me, I feel like I'm in a bad one-act play.  "Is this seat taken?"  What is this, "All in the Timing"? 

  

I am still fired up from that rose ceremony.  Before we start the recap, holy shit David is a HOT PSYCHO!  The Juan/David drama reads like an F. Scott Fitzgerald storyline with the rich man vs. poor man dynamic.  Juan is the calculated, wealthy pretty boy and David is the hunka-man tough guy who actually takes his shots (and don’t you forget it!)  It’s irresistible… just like David’s crazy eyes.  But before I get myself too worked up, let’s cover the episode.

 

These 2 hour episodes are a lot to swallow.  Between watching and writing, I spend more time on “The Bachelorette” than I spend working on my own health at the gym each week.  What’s up with my priorities? 

 

So this week, Ed got an individual date (which was the “most daring date in bachelorette history!”  Here we go again with this “bachelorette history” crap), there was a group date during which they filmed cheesy Western-style vignettes, and Sasha went on an individual date that was all about cars. 

 

Individual Date #1 was my personal hell: heights, heights, and more heights.  Ed didn’t seem that jazzed, either.  But he managed to roll with it and enjoy the helicopter ride and bizarre date of slowly sliding down a rope that is fastened to a building.  It was like an act-out of the Pythagorean Theorem, as Ed and Jillian slid down c squared, with b squared being the ground and a squared being the building—know what I’m saying, math geeks?  (Note: That sentence encapsulates everything that I ever learned about math, thanks to the horribly lead math program at Weston High School.  Here’s everything I know about football, while I’m showcasing my smarts: Sacking a quarterback is totally badass, and when you blitz, shit gets totally whack.)  Where was I?  I feel like a newborn baby who just walked out of a pair of parentheses and is like, “SWEET OXYGEN!  I was breathing water inside those parentheses that whole time!” 

 

Group Date:  Wes did his impression of Mitch Hedberg as he spouted off a few odd comments with no emotion.   More interesting and charming than his usual singing.  Big loser on this date: Brad.  Holy crypes, guy.  You can’t even ACT like you know how to fight.  I’d HATE to have you on my side in a bar fight.  You’d probably just toss a stack of cocktail napkins in the air and hide in the coatroom.  You’re wearing a poncho and you kiss with your arms at your side.  Your fate is sealed, buddy.  Big winner on this date: ROBBY! He’s so sweet, and he finally got some time with Jillian, and he made great use of it.  Very smiley, sweet guy and the other guys seem to dig him, which is always important.  (Robby kinds resembles this guy that I had a HUGE crush on in college.  Now he is married and has a kid and I’m living the dream writing recaps of The Bachelorette for fun… so everything turned out swimmingly.)  The only other remarkable thing about this group date is that Tanner P. managed to bring up his foot fetish (we’re at 3 episodes for 3, now) and referred to himself, in the 3^rd person, as “Daddy.”  Your days may be numbered, pedi-weirdo. 

 

Individual Date #2 seemed pretty rad: checking out a car museum, driving a Ferrari around L.A., then having dinner and hanging out.  Sadly, Sasha’s tales of near-death car accidents weren’t enough to keep him around.  I can sorta see Jillian’s reasoning—it just seems like he’s all smiles and he’s probably never been through much, as far as dating and heartbreak.  Seems like he needs to have a few more life experiences.  Bret Michaels let dropped a girl on “Rock of Love” for the same reason, so you know it’s probably a sensible move. 

 

The final cocktail party is when things got CRAZY and David revealed his tendency to be a hot psycho.  He can sorta pull it off, though.  (I can just hear my friends saying—Selena, no! He’s bad news! Don’t be attracted to these negative qualities!)  Though, he is now rattling off statistics about how he is “in the top 3 of the guys with the least time spent with Jillian” and that’s just needy and pathetic.  Chin up, David.  America liked you better when you were showing off tattoos and wearing a tight wife beater.  Can you get back to that, please?  Thx.

 

A nutshell recap of the final cocktail party of episode 3:
-Tanner P. will NOT stop talking about his foot fetish.
-Juan kinda calmly confronts David and David shuts him down, calling him a “cheese ass” which is absolutely precious.  David seems a bit drunk, too. 
-Wes is still a creepy weirdo
-Robby sides with David in the Juan/David drama
-Kiptyn is super hot and totally flying under the radar.  Do it, hot Kip!

 

In the rose ceremony, Jillian gives David the last one.  That hot psycho is just like me in his inability to have a poker face, and we see both the stress he went through, and his relief at finally getting that rose. 

 

Who didn’t get roses?  The other Tanner and Brad.  The other Tanner sorta flew under the radar, but not because he’s smart like Kiptyn—rather, he has zero personality, it seems.  Peace out.  What can we learn from the dismissal of Brad?  A few important lessons: Don’t look like a corpse during the rose ceremony and don’t refer to a kiss in which you don’t even TOUCH the other person as “ultra bad ass.”

 

Next week’s episode looks pretty rad: David’s identify as a chick magnet seems to be falling apart at the seams, along with his sanity.  

  

  

Two hours of Bachelorette madness tonight and Bachelorette viewers had to endure a multitude of awkward commercials for “The New Newlywed Game.”  But we’re not here to talk about newlyweds, we’re here to talk about psychos vying for the affections of a size 4, tanned, well-coiffed Canadian who continually insists that she’s quirky and weird.  Suuuure, Jillian, you’re just SO normal!

The 20 bachelors have moved into a sleepover camp-style bunk house and this episode will show a few group dates, and a one-on-one date.

First up: Pool party that will eventually turn into a commercial for the Mini Cooper—err--I mean, a scavenger hunt.  But not before Brian can greet Jillian by saying, “What’s up, ya little hottie?” and then growling.  Sounds like SOMEBODY has been reading his copy of “How to Pick Up Girls” and swapping
pick-up-line strategies with 6^th grade boys.  What a tool.

But before the scavenger hunt, they are having a lovely afternoon poolside, when Jillian  takes the nearby rose (which would mean automatic immunity) and DRIVES OFF!  While sneaky music is playing!? What is going on? This is unprecedented in bachelorette history!!  Finally, our fearless host, Chris Harrison, comes out to clue the boys in on what is going on.  The boys are paired up, they hop in their Mini Coopers, and the scavenger hunt begins.

None of the moron guys realize that they have MAPS inside their CARS until they have been driving aimlessly for quite a while.  Watching Mike freak out over the realization that they HAVE A MAP was quite precious.   Best quote of the event came from the nicely tattooed Wes: “Pull this bitch over and let me drive.”  HOT!  (No joke.  For real.  I find that swagger quite attractive.  Don’t fret though, I haven’t gone soft—I’ll tear him down momentarily.)

Side Note: There are many reasons why it must suck to live in LA (the population is comprised of 90% morons; constant sunny weather probably gets old after a while; they hand out DUIs like it's HPV), but THIS has got to be a huge one.  You have 5 little cars of bare-chested suitors cruising around and clogging traffic in a reality TV show chase.  Ugh.

The chase ends with Jillian being metaphorically compared to property, as she waits for the winning team inside a bank vault.  She says a great line: “I can’t believe that in just a few minutes, I am going to be locked in an old bank vault with a  million dollars worth of jewels, with a precious guy that I get to know one-on-one”  I can’t believe it either, to be honest.  But I suspect that I’m shocked for a different reason than you are.  I find it kinda creepy that you are going to be locked in a bank vault.  What is this, the episode of “Dukes of Hazzard” when Bo & Luke were locked in a safe at the old police station and the oxygen was running out?  Sadly no, or we’d AT LEAST get a shot of the General Lee catching air on a big bump.  None of that here in Bachelorette-land.

In creepy move that probably occurred to the Producers after a night of watching “Sliver,” the guys who AREN’T having dinner with Jillian can watch her eat dinner with, flirt with, and make out with Wes via closed-circuit TV.  Weird. A very bizarre challenge that left me asking one question: Brad—how many times can you tell us that you are the brains of the operation? (3x per episode, it seems.)

Another random aside:  What are the chances that there are 2 guys named “Tanner” out of the 20!?  There’s the creepy foot fetish Tanner… and the other one.  That’s like having two guys named T’Quan on the show.  Just seems very improbable.

Next up is 1:1 date with Jake, which Jillian kicks off in true misogynist style with her comment that she’s a bad driver BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN.  May I punch you in the face, please?  Hopefully I could land that punch—I mean, after all, I am a WOMAN!  Hopefully they next challenge doesn’t have you doing MATH or SCIENCE or trying to not be EMOTIONAL, WOMAN!

For Jake’s date, they dress him up in the GAYEST western-style shirt possible.  Jillian dances on an empty bar to no music.  Meh.  Jake seems perfectly nice, but pretty cheesy.  Then Martina McBride sings and we see that her shoes resemble ankle shackles.

A third random aside: Some nice tattoos are coming out as the guys are hanging out in wife beaters in their bunkhouse.  Mama likes.

The third group date: basketball in Venice Beach.  Juan would rather be reading poetry, and Simon would rather be playing football (the soccer kind) and mumbling incoherently in the Queen’s English.  The boys shoot some hoops with Jillian for a while, until she informs them that,  “You guys are going to play ME now.  I brought some of my friends.”  CUE THE BLACK PEOPLE!  Jillian’s “friends” are the Harlem Globetrotters and they are hilarious.  I only wish that they’d done the old “bucket full of confetti thrown at player from the opposing team” trick because that’s a personal fave.  After the game, we get this gem out of David:  “The Harlem Globetrotters voted on who they think would be best for Jillian, and they picked me.”  Does anyone else find it hilarious that they Harlem Globetrotters are having a role in choosing her potential husband!?

Thankfully, the Harlem Globetrotters share my taste in men, cause I’m liking David more and more.  It’s probably terrible, but between his desire to beat up Juan, his basketball skills & nice tats, his ability to take shots and disdain for anyone who cannot, and his talk of the “Man Code,” I think I’m in love.  Then again, this is coming from a Red Sox fan who once had a crush on Jason Giambi because I liked his crazy eyes.  Yes, BECAUSE of the crazy eyes, not in spite of them. 

Then we have a cocktail party and the rose ceremony.  I’m tired, so let’s hit my last few points with bullets:

• Apparently there is a guy on the show named Robby and he’s a bartender.  Who knew.  He has been flying under the radar, but he seems cool.
• Tanner P. really needs to ease up on the foot fetish thing—you already know that Sasha’s feet are funky? CHILL.
• Wes is slowly morphing from a pretty cool, chill guy into an angel of death, and is turning out to be pretty shitty and sketchy. EVERY show has one contestant who is like, “I didn’t come here to make friends” and if you have studied your reality TV dating shows, you know that it NEVER works. 
• Democracy is alive and well on “The Bachelorette” as Chris Harrison introduces a fun exercise called “Vote for Who You Hate”--Hooray!  David’s eyes light up when ballot box comes out. I love him.

Four guys went home tonight, and there were no surprises. What can we learn from these rejected guys?

Julien-  I guess that having almost the same name as another person does NOT in fact guarantee you a relationship, despite your theory.  Nice French phrase, though, weirdo.

Brian- Don’t pull out lines from sophomore year of high school flirting, and don’t show off your tiny, shrunken package.  You’re not bold, you’re a tool.

Michael-  I feel bad for this guy.  He seemed nice and was crying a little bit as he left.  Awww.

Simon- Don’t be an awkward, pasty Brit with bizarrely long arms.  Sorry dude.

Coming up: More scenes of David acting super tough and Juan continually acting smug and surprised.

 

  

Season 5 of "The Bachelorette" kicked off on Monday night, and the 5th season was commemorated with the addition of 5 suitors to the customary 25 in the first night cocktail party, for a total of 30 sweaty, insecure, wanna-be boy-toys crammed in an L.A. mansion.  I must address the mansion for a moment.  Did anyone else feel creeped-out by the yards of heavy, fringed curtains that seemed to adorn every doorway?  Is this a wild west saloon (oh snap there's a wild west challenge coming up-- for reals!), a tawdry whorehouse (well yes, kind of), or a chintzy L.A. manse whose nouveau rich bones cannot be disguised by velvet curtains?  Was that sentence just a loop of logic? Yes. 

 

Hearts were broken and dreams were dashed on night one, in standard Bachelorette fashion.  Thankfully, we had the lone constant in this crazy Bachelorette world, Chris Harrison, guiding the ship (and by “guiding the ship,” I mean, “Reminding all participants in the rose ceremony that this is the final rose of the evening, as if they all couldn’t see the platter of cheesy boutonnieres, while also constantly referring to this notion of ‘Bachelorette History,’ (“5 additional suitors! Never before seen in Bachelorette history!”) as though it’s a historical era noted in academia, like the Harlem Renaissance or modern European history”).

 

After a horrible run-on sentence like that, I’m running outta steam on the narrative tip, so I’m going to hit you pussycats with a bulleted list of the boys, and their annoying traits. 

 

Ø      The New York City Triumvirate, who represent 3 archetypes of NYC bachelors: the Hipster, the Wall Street guy, and finally, the Guido.  While two-thirds of this crew have already gone home, they are nonetheless still eligible to be mercilessly mocked by yours truly:

 

·        Kyle (tool hipster from Brooklyn) - I’ll put money on the fact that he isn’t actually FROM Brooklyn originally.  I bet you grew up in Akron, OH, but now he lives in Williamsburg, and he’s not going to let ANYBODY forget that he lives in BILLY BURG!  I love the fact that this wasn’t a case of “I didn’t get any one-on-one time with her, so she just doesn’t know who I am” rejection (like poor, Caleb, who resembles a 5^th member of Kings of Leon), but rather a straightforward “I pulled out the ‘ole ‘draw a fake moustache on your pointer finger and act like a hipster’ maneuver and apparently she thought it was lame” rejection.  Jillian, you’re my kind of girl.

 

·        Stephen (neurotic pasty lawyer) - As the last rose is given away (and it's not to him), you can almost SEE him tallying up the billable hours that he just wasted to be on this show.  It takes a really special person to look smug WHILE being rejected on national TV.  He’s like a younger, brunette Woody Allen.  And my heart kinda breaks that he grew up not far from my hometown.  He’s making us Massholes look bad with his awful lines from "The Game" and lame comment that, “Apparently, she doesn’t like awesome guys.”  Please crawl back into your fluorescent-lit cage, counselor.

 

·        Mike (greasy baseball guido) – I feel like he must hail from a tropical island:  Staten or Long.  No disrespect to either: I love me a good guido.  But his opening line, when he threw a baseball to Jillian and then said “You really ARE a great catch!” made me vomit onto my roommate’s cat (NOTE: Not MY cat, OK?  I’m not some crazy cat lady who sits at home watching reality TV and bemoaning my fate as a mere voyeur in the exciting dance of love… er… where was I?) 

 

Ø      Julien-- Guy has a bizarrely large head.  I know that it's not his fault and he can't do anything about his giant dome, but I also find him strangely smiley and weird.  Plus, he seems like a total cheeseball. And despite his insistence, having practically the same name as your future mate does NOT a relationship make (except for my wonderful aunt Cris and her fantastic husband Cris-- seriously). 

 

Ø      Juan—Since he lived in Argentina until he was 2, the producers have chosen to play tango-lite style music whenever he appears in a scene.  It’s almost like the producers are making a joke of the whole thing, but the American public doesn’t get the joke.  I gotta admit, though, Juan scares me. I feel like he could end up being the resident crazy guy with a wacko temper, whose mother coddled him too much, so now he cannot handle it when things don't go his way.  I have nicknamed him “Pretty Boy Psycho.”

 

Ø      Simon (the British one) - How moronic do producers think we are, if whenever Simon so much as says “Hello,” his dialogue is written on the screen in SUBTITLES?

 

Ø      Brian - He sort of resembles an armadillo and he seems super douchey.  Was I the only person who was really creeped out when he made some joke about “Hottub Harry” (perhaps I’m not die-hard enough with the “Bachelor” viewing)? I couldn’t believe when he later called Jillian a "sexy minx."  Really!? Really, guy? Sexy minx?  Where in last month’s issue of FHM did it recommend that line? WHY did she keep this guy?

 

Ø      John H. – He reminded me of a muppet with his spikey hair and floppy head.  A very sweet muppet, though, so I was sad to see him go.  

 

Ø      Kiptyn – His name might make me suspect that he is actually a robot, but I'm predicting that he is going all the way, R2D2!  He's going to take it.  Great smile, dark hair, into surfing-- what is he, a modern day Dylan McKay!?  If his voicemail recording simply says, "You know what to do," then beeps, it will really be the 2nd coming of the greatest teen heartthrob in television history.  There's just something SO right about him.  When he got out of the limo, he seemed somehow familiar.  A sense of, "Yup-- that's pleasing and somehow I feel like I have seen him before."  Like the first time you heard "Paradise City" by GnR (I'm dating myself... but I wish I was dating Kiptyn-- heyo!)  It just sounded so familiar and correct.  Like, "Yup, grass is green... girls are pretty..."  You are wise musical magicians, Axl, Izzy, Duff, Slash, and Steven.  I challenge you to think of a time when you DIDN'T know "Paradise City"-- not possible!  It's simply been burned into the American consciousness since time immemorial.  And so has Kiptyn's hot face.

 

That’s the wrap up for episode 1.  Stay tuned for future episodes, when my trash-talking will continue!

 

 

 

  

The other night I mistakenly stumbled into a new television show, and I was as horrified as if I’d walked in on my brother masturbating.  (Tidbit: I don’t actually have a brother, but that “brother masturbating” ruse really gotcha, didn’t it?  It’s relatable, America !)  The tragedy upon which I laid my eyes: Howie Do It, Howie Mandel’s new hidden camera show on NBC.  For those keeping score at home, yes, Howie Mandel not hosts not 1, but 2 inane, moronic, retarded TV shows.  Will he go for a hat-trick with a show such as “Celebrities in Rehab Have Pets Who Say The Darndest Things During an Intervention that takes place in a Kitchen Nightmare!”  Stay tuned!

But this shit-talking article is about the newest gotcha show, “Howie Do It” in all its splendor.  The segments are filmed using hidden cameras and Howie plays a character named Larry in every segment.  “Larry” is always done up in a bushy, dark wig and sunglasses (worn indoors), adopting a look that can best be labeled “pedophile chic.”  They pull fast ones on unsuspecting people and we are all supposed to laugh.  But that’s not even the best (yet worst) part of the show.  The best/worst part is this: The video segments are shown before a live studio audience that is comparable to American Idol audiences.  There are TONS of people there and they are laughing, clapping, and giving Howie Mandel multiple standing ovations.  Multiple.  Standing.  Ovations.  For Howie Mandel basically mind-fucking innocent bystanders. 

One segment that really drew me in was a real doozy.  A young, male actor comes in to audition for a role in a soap opera.  He auditions in front of “Larry” and another director and reads a love scene and the scene ends with a kiss.  In his initial reading, he is reading with a beautiful staffer who was on-hand.  Larry and the director love it, so they want to film it with the real actress.  This is where it gets either hilarious, or pathetic, unimaginative, stupid, and mean, depending on your perspective.  Larry yells from beneath his pedophile wig, “Bring in the actress” and the male actor sees who he will have to kiss at the end of the scene.  Ya ready for this?  She’s OLD and FAT!!  OMGOMGOMG he’s going to KISS an old, fat lady!  HILARITY WILL UNDOUBTEDLY ENSUE!!

The greatest part about that segment is the actor’s reaction when he learns that he’s on “Howie Do It.”  Howie Mandel pulls off the pedo-wig and sunglasses for the BIG REVEAL and the actor gives this blank look, and you can tell that he has NO idea who Howie Mandel is.  You know that at the real shoot, they had the cameraman and lighting guys and sound girls all run out SUPER quick so that the actor would at least know that he’s on a hidden camera show, just in case he didn’t recognize Howie Mandel.

The icing on the cake of “Howie Do It”?  The theme music.  Prepare for the most obvious, redundant theme song ever, dear readers.  The theme song to “Howie Do It” is “This is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan . Do you remember that song, or shall we hop in a time machine back to 1997 to experience the three-week window during which that song was considered semi-tolerable?  At least THAT song had a roughly 21-day period during which it was somewhat popular.  The TV show "Howie Do It" will never be that lucky. 

  

Earlier this year, this book came out: Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped, and Canceled (edited by Jon Friedman).  It's based on a great live show and the book is fantastic, too.  Back when he was pulling together content for this book, the editor posted a call for submissions on an online comedy board that I read.  So I gathered some of my worst bits and wrote out the reasons behind why they are horrible, and sent them along.  They didn't make the book (ahh irony-- rejected from the Rejected book) and I have no hard feelings.  Jon was no doubt bombarded with great material and rejected jokes from famous comedians are probably a lot more enticing than rejected jokes from random schmoes.  I was just organizing some folders and I found my submission, so I thougth I'd share.  Enjoy-- and try not to cringe TOO much at these bad bits. 

Rejection Show Submission by Selena Coppock

 

Here are some standup bits I’ve done over the years that have bombed. 

 

I’ll lead off with my FAVORITE joke that totally bombed-

 

D’ANGELO BIT

-- You guys remember early-90s R&B sensation, D’Angelo?  Singer of “Brown Sugar” and do-er of a whole lotta situps.  D’Angelo may be the ONLY R&B star known both for his beautiful abs, and also for being the namesake of a  sandwich chain.  But he’s held this title for too long, so I’m going to give D’Angelo a run for his money.  I’m going to start doing a ton of sit-ups & rename myself DJ Quizno.

Where performed: The Comedy Studio, Cambridge MA

Why this bombed?

I’m as shocked as you are, dear reader!  I think that’s not a bad joke, seriously.  I ran that one by a number of friends and it was always received with blank stares.  What- are you not familiar with sandwich/pita shop, D’Angelo’s?  That place rules!  I used to be absolutely addicted to their vegeratian pita pocket.  It was onions, red & green peppers, and melted cheese, all in a pita pocket.  It was delicious.  My sister and I would drive to our local D’Angelos (back in Mass- God love it) and snap up a few of those a week.  Side note- my sister didn’t have her license at the time, but we’d toodle around our town & Route 9 in Natick in my parents’ car.  Driving without licenses & eating cheese-filled pitas.  This was during my freshman year of high school, when I developed a weird coughing issue that resulted in me booting in the cafeteria one time that year.  Onto a table.  And what was the boot?  D’ANGELO’S VEGETARIAN PITA POCKET!  After that episode, I couldn’t hit up the D’Angelo’s as hard as I used to.  But I digress- perhaps this joke didn’t work because either (1) the audience was ignorant of D’Angelo’s, the sandwich chain (and if that’s the case, I pity them); or (2) the audience was ignorant of D’Angelo, the R&B star.  Though I grew up in a very preppy town, my friends and I were all about Rap, Hip Hop and R&B throughout middle school & high school, so I was definitely cranking “Brown Sugar” when it came out.  And bowing down to the insane ab muscles of D’Angelo.  I still find myself referencing D’Angelo whenever any discussion of abdominal muscles comes up.  And I’m met with blank stares… so maybe it’s time to retire that bit.  One time when I did this bit, a guy who books another club came up to me and was like, “I really like your stuff- I want to have you perform at my club- as long as you don’t do that D’Angelo joke.”  Why no love for D’Angelo!?!? 

 

HEROIN BIT-

-Call me a pussy (jerks!), but I’m afraid of Heroin.  When you’re a kid and often into adulthood, you’re afraid of needless.   Heroin’s so badass because you take it USING a needle.  I mean, the drug itself is an afterthought- it’s the F-ing needle!  You are voluntarily sticking yourself with a NEEDLE!  Holy crap!  It’s essentially taking a pretty mainstream phobia and being like, “I’m so badass, that your phobia is my good time.”  Well, I may be too pussy to do heroin, but I’m not too pussy to engage in some recreational dentists visits and spider-handling!  Kazam!  Who’s the pussy NOW, huh?

Where performed: The Comedy Studio, Cambridge MA

Why this bombed?

Probably because I come off looking like a complete f-ing toolbag in it.   Sometimes standup reminds me of a frat house where it’s all about sharing lame drinking/drug war stories.  Seems like every standup used to be addicted to booze/coke/heroin/crystal meth/whatever.  So there’s nothing quite as lame as a standup who readily admits that she is a total pussy.  I also think that maybe the audience wasn’t quick enough to make the leap from “Heroin” to “recreational dentists visits” ya know?  I know that in comedy you should assume that the audience is smart and play to the top of your intelligence, but sometimes I think all audiences are morons. 

 

  

  

Saturday was my class show for Storytelling 201 at UCB.  I told a story of a time I lost it (at the bar Stanley's in Chicago) and the show was excellent.  I really love my classmates and Margot (our teacher) is so talented & welcoming.  Great times overall

 

Some more great stuff coming up this week--

 

Tuesday I'm doing George Gordon & Dan Hirshon's show at Puppet's Jazz Bar in Park Slope

Wednesday I'm performing in a storytelling show at the Creek (Long Island City)

Saturday I'm performing in Boston at the club that used to be the Roxy.  Should be rowdy!

 

I'll write more opinions & random shiz soon!  Happy Monday!

  

  

My office smells like shit.  For real.  Literally, feces.  I came in this morning and I was bowled over by the smell of rotten egg / doodie / sulphur / when you're on the back patio at the Sail Loft, surrounded by jerk wads with their collars up and it's low tide.  Ya know what I mean?  Then when I came back from lunch, it had escalated from feces to something more like gasoline.  Either way, my head is pounding and this is sort of a nightmare. 

Apparently it's coming from the super expensive restaurant downstairs, and not the ghetto noodle house next door.  Surprising, huh?  [Insert joke about rich people thinking that their shit don't stink here.]

3 fire trucks just showed up to investigate, as apparently hot firemen can put out shit fires.  Heeeyo!  What!?  Sorry-- I'm loopy from this whack smell. 

In other news,

--Just read an article (on CNN.com) about a girl who dated a comedian and found the whole experience pretty insuffrable.  I definitely hear that.  She talked about the comedian guy came off as extremely charismatic & confident at first, but that beneath it all (once she got to know him better), he was very needy, constantly seeking reassurance & validation.  I laughed out loud at that one.  I think that a lot of us are like that, sure-- I'm not one to throw stones without revealing my own issues (big thighs/bum region, insecurity about my nasal voice, frequent feelings of awkwardness or outsider status), but this character description was an EXACT match of a comedian I hung out with for a few weeks, a few years back.  To a T.  Anyone want to speculate who I'm talking about?

OK, so that's only one news piece.  But I'm working under brutal conditions in a sewage swamp.  Peace out, loverpants.