I am still fired up from that rose ceremony.  Before we start the recap, holy shit David is a HOT PSYCHO!  The Juan/David drama reads like an F. Scott Fitzgerald storyline with the rich man vs. poor man dynamic.  Juan is the calculated, wealthy pretty boy and David is the hunka-man tough guy who actually takes his shots (and don’t you forget it!)  It’s irresistible… just like David’s crazy eyes.  But before I get myself too worked up, let’s cover the episode.

These 2 hour episodes are a lot to swallow.  Between watching and writing, I spend more time on “The Bachelorette” than I spend working on my own health at the gym each week.  What’s up with my priorities? 

So this week, Ed got an individual date (which was the “most daring date in bachelorette history!”  Here we go again with this “bachelorette history” crap), there was a group date during which they filmed cheesy Western-style vignettes, and Sasha went on an individual date that was all about cars. 

Individual Date #1 was my personal hell: heights, heights, and more heights.  Ed didn’t seem that jazzed, either.  But he managed to roll with it and enjoy the helicopter ride and bizarre date of slowly sliding down a rope that is fastened to a building.  It was like an act-out of the Pythagorean Theorem, as Ed and Jillian slid down c squared, with b squared being the ground and a squared being the building—know what I’m saying, math geeks?  (Note: That sentence encapsulates everything that I ever learned about math, thanks to the horribly lead math program at Weston High School.  Here’s everything I know about football, while I’m showcasing my smarts: Sacking a quarterback is totally badass, and when you blitz, shit gets totally whack.)  Where was I?  I feel like a newborn baby who just walked out of a pair of parentheses and is like, “SWEET OXYGEN!  I was breathing water inside those parentheses that whole time!” 

Group Date:  Wes did his impression of Mitch Hedberg as he spouted off a few odd comments with no emotion.   More interesting and charming than his usual singing.  Big loser on this date: Brad.  Holy crypes, guy.  You can’t even ACT like you know how to fight.  I’d HATE to have you on my side in a bar fight.  You’d probably just toss a stack of cocktail napkins in the air and hide in the coatroom.  You’re wearing a poncho and you kiss with your arms at your side.  Your fate is sealed, buddy.  Big winner on this date: ROBBY! He’s so sweet, and he finally got some time with Jillian, and he made great use of it.  Very smiley, sweet guy and the other guys seem to dig him, which is always important.  (Robby kinds resembles this guy that I had a HUGE crush on in college.  Now he is married and has a kid and I’m living the dream writing recaps of The Bachelorette for fun… so everything turned out swimmingly.)  The only other remarkable thing about this group date is that Tanner P. managed to bring up his foot fetish (we’re at 3 episodes for 3, now) and referred to himself, in the 3^rd person, as “Daddy.”  Your days may be numbered, pedi-weirdo. 

Individual Date #2 seemed pretty rad: checking out a car museum, driving a Ferrari around L.A., then having dinner and hanging out.  Sadly, Sasha’s tales of near-death car accidents weren’t enough to keep him around.  I can sorta see Jillian’s reasoning—it just seems like he’s all smiles and he’s probably never been through much, as far as dating and heartbreak.  Seems like he needs to have a few more life experiences.  Bret Michaels let dropped a girl on “Rock of Love” for the same reason, so you know it’s probably a sensible move. 

The final cocktail party is when things got CRAZY and David revealed his tendency to be a hot psycho.  He can sorta pull it off, though.  (I can just hear my friends saying—Selena, no! He’s bad news! Don’t be attracted to these negative qualities!)  Though, he is now rattling off statistics about how he is “in the top 3 of the guys with the least time spent with Jillian” and that’s just needy and pathetic.  Chin up, David.  America liked you better when you were showing off tattoos and wearing a tight wife beater.  Can you get back to that, please?  Thx.

A nutshell recap of the final cocktail party of episode 3:
-Tanner P. will NOT stop talking about his foot fetish.
-Juan kinda calmly confronts David and David shuts him down, calling him a “cheese ass” which is absolutely precious.  David seems a bit drunk, too. 
-Wes is still a creepy weirdo
-Robby sides with David in the Juan/David drama
-Kiptyn is super hot and totally flying under the radar.  Do it, hot Kip!

In the rose ceremony, Jillian gives David the last one.  That hot psycho is just like me in his inability to have a poker face, and we see both the stress he went through, and his relief at finally getting that rose. 

Who didn’t get roses?  The other Tanner and Brad.  The other Tanner sorta flew under the radar, but not because he’s smart like Kiptyn—rather, he has zero personality, it seems.  Peace out.  What can we learn from the dismissal of Brad?  A few important lessons: Don’t look like a corpse during the rose ceremony and don’t refer to a kiss in which you don’t even TOUCH the other person as “ultra bad ass.”

Next week’s episode looks pretty rad: David’s identify as a chick magnet seems to be falling apart at the seams, along with his sanity.