This was certainly an exciting episode of The Bachelorette, as we had some delightfully cringe-worthy moments (“I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before”) and a pair of enemies who were ironically rejected together.   

Chris Harrison did some heavy lifting in this episode, gathering the boys in the bunk house and observing an interesting display of hats.  Robby in a fedora--hot!  David in a fitted hat backwards—hot, despite its vague resemblance to an oversized yarmulke.  Chris announced that that the boys were relocating to Vancouver (where the 2010 winter Olympics will be taking place, in case you somehow missed the heavy-handed promotions), where there would be a group date, a one-on-one, and a two-on-one (get your mind out of the gutter!).

Everybody wanted the one-on-one date, but Juan put it best (and by best, I mean worst), saying that he wanted the one-on-one time so that he could “come out of my skin.”  Huh?  Do you mean, come out of your SHELL?  Do you know how mollusks work?  You don’t often hear references to “coming out of my skin” unless you are talking to a serpent, in which case, don’t let him convince you to eat an apple or else shiz is going to get whack.  (Random aside: The only reason I know anything about Milton’s Paradise Lost is thanks to Margie Thickstun’s 9:00 a.m. class that I took during my senior year of college.  Yes, a 9:00 a.m. class during spring of senior year!?  Now THAT is how you please your father.  Seriously.)    But enough time spent proving that I have a degree in English Literature.  Let’s get back to “The Bachelorette”!

Kiptyn was the lucky boy chosen for the 1:1 date and what a date it was: GROCERY SHOPPING!  All these years I’ve been spending first dates at restaurants or bars or theaters.  Little did I know that a 1:1 game of “Supermarket Sweep” and time spent feeding filthy pigeons would be a much better first date option.  Kiptyn knocks it out of the park, of course.  He’s cute, sweet, chill and really into volunteering.  With all Kiptyn & Jillian’s talk of volunteering, I almost felt like I was back in high school when you start getting all that “You gotta do a million volunteer hours to show colleges that you’re not an asshole” propaganda.  The date went well, and I think Kiptyn’s got it locked up.  If Kiptyn doesn’t take this whole thing, it will be a bigger injustice than when Mindy didn’t win Bret Michael’s heart during Rock of Love 3.  It would be THAT bad.  

For the group date, they play everyone’s favorite sport: Curling.  We get more of the same from a lotta the guys: Michael is cute and hilarious; Juan is a total weakling; David is crazy competitive; Wes appears stoned and is probably plotting how he can casually bring his guitar out onto the ice and play an acoustic version of “Oh Canada” for the cameras.  The red team wins, so those boys get to have dinner and drinks with Jillian that night. 

Cut to later that night, when the boys are all cleaned up and thankfully, David has changed out of his bright white sweatpants (worn much too high on his hips) and sweatshirt TUCKED INTO said sweatpants.  Jesse rocks a lame white newsboy-style hat that makes his head look like a snowman from those 1980s Christmas specials where the snowmen cruise around and it’s some sort of stop-motion animation.  (Gosh, that sentence was horrific.  But I’m married to my words—deal with it.)  Jillian and Jake have an awkward talk about how he’s “too perfect” but I tend to think that the problem isn’t that he’s too perfect, it’s that there’s no there there, ya know?  He seems sweet and simple—but opinions or unique thoughts probably aren’t his strong suit. 

On the other end of the spectrum, David’s forte is definitely opinions and Jillian’s conversation with him is SO painful to watch it’s laughable.  David’s trying so hard to “right the ship” with Jillian that he seems desperate and pushy.  Too bad, Hot Psycho.  This scene is where he drops the gem that he’s “never been turned down for a kiss before,” makes jokes about how Jillian has a great ass, and comments that her t$#s are hanging out.  So much classy stuff in a 3 minute conversation.  It’s so obvious that he’s getting the boot, but Hot Psycho needs to pick up the clue phone.  He thinks Jillian is just challenging him.  Dude’s delusional and clueless. 

The 2:1 date is Mike (uber-guido baseball guy from Staten or Long Island) and Mark (random pizza entrepreneur guy) .  Mike lays it on thick, making the entire date feel like an awkward episode of MTV’s “Dismissed” circa 2002.  Unfortunately, Mark’s laid-back attitude appeals to Jillian (despite the fact that it seems like he could care less about being there), and Mike is sent home in the ski gondola.  This continues the pattern of rejected guys being carted away via public transportation.  “The Bachelorette” is so green!

There will be drama during this cocktail party and rose ceremony, because we’ve got a Shakespearean storm raining down in Vancouver. Intrigue!   Jake says that Wes is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and if the most mild-mannered, nice guy in the group thinks you’re a creep, you must be a HUGE creep.  We learn that Wes has a girlfriend back home, but for some reason, Jillian isn’t let in on this secret.  Way to go, producers!  In her quest for love, don’t let her know that a front-runner is an absolute skeeve.  TELEVISION! 

Tanner P. finally drops the hammer (half-way), telling her that some of the guys aren’t here for the right reasons, and some of them have girlfriends back home.  Jillian cancels the cocktail party so that she can go stare at a wall of photos and pretend that Chris Harrison is her therapist. 

The crew assembles for a rose ceremony, and Chris Harrison goes off the script and asks the guys to “man up” (you taking lines from the Hot Psycho?) and confess who has a girlfriend back at home.  A few of the guys chime in that they are PISSED that somebody has a GF and they’re here looking for love, blah blah blah.  One of the guys who says this is Wes, of all people.   The whole thing is laughable, but I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison.  He’s been making the same 5 Bachelor/Bachelorette announcements for the past 18 seasons (God has it been that long? Yes!), so this improvising must have been a real challenge for him (it’s all relative) and I bet he’ll snap up some sort of “Reality TV Host” award for it.  Jeff Probst is going down!  

In the end, nobody comes forward, nothing is resolved, and yet the rose ceremony continues as usual.  Whatevs.  A few thoughts on some who made it through:

Reid—nice glasses!  This guy is growing on me.

Wes—made it through.  Blech.  In the next episode he’ll get the boot.

So who was sent home?  The odd couple of Juan and David, who hate each other.  What can we learn from these two?

Juan: Don’t be an effeminate “cheese ass” who seems smooth enough to have a boyfriend back home.  Peace out.
David:  Don’t be a barbarian drunk and act shocked to meet a girl who doesn’t worship you.  David was a real let-down and the icing on the cake was when he went up to Jillian after the rose ceremony and asked “Why?”  Dude!  Chill out!  Have some class and just say goodbye, walk away, and save face.  You’re a hot psycho covered in tats and filled with aggression… hows abouts you call me sometime, k?  

Coming up—more snow sports, Jillian finally clues in that Wes is bad news, and Chris Harrison continues his slow climb to the top of the Reality TV host heap.