My apologies for the tardiness of this recap, dear readers.  Monday night I had a show, then the week just got away from me with social obligations, work, the gym, complaining about the incessant rain, being frustrated that a head of hair this phenomenal is stuck in a hat and/or ponytail because of this weather, going to a bar wearing yoga pants (last night), and monitoring the delivery of my dope new tan pumps (let’s see if I can walk on almost 4 inch heels).  Lots of stuff.  But here I am!  Just watched another 2 hour Bachelorette episode and I’m ready to lay down some smack-talk. 

I missed the first 20 minutes of the show because I’m an idiot.  I forgot to set my DVR, so on Monday evening I texted my roommate and asked her to do it.  She was babysitting, so couldn’t get there until the show had already begun.  That was a thrill-ride of a story, huh?  So I missed the first 20 minutes, but I imagine it involved a few scenes of all the boys gathered ‘round Chris Harrison, hearing that there would be two separate 1:1 dates and a group date that week.  20 minutes of my life, saved! 

1:1 with Michael

I joined the program while Jillian & Michael were on a rainy 1:1 date, eating dinner in a wine cellar.  This keeps with the theme of “dinner in underground claustrophobia-inducing locations” already set with dinner in the bank vault.  My knowledge of Bachelorette trivia is quite embarrassing.  They learn how to saber a bottle of champagne, Michael sweetly calls himself a “cheesy ass helpless romantic” (not to be confused with a “Cheese Ass,” the favorite nickname doled out by Hot Psycho) and generally charms Jillian and the viewers.  He’s very sweet and likable.  Jillian talks about how marriage might be hard times and makes a bizarre reference to “tiptoeing through the tulips.”  Could we please NOT reference creepy songs that have been covered by ukulele legend Tiny Tim?  Thanks!  Overall, good date, nothing dramatic.

Meanwhile, back at the house, a bunch of the guys are speculating about which guy has a girlfriend, and we cut to a shot of Wes peering down on this conversation from the stair railing.  I’d be willing to bet my entire life savings (about $400 and some rare Guns ‘n Roses collectors items) that this shot of Wes was taken completely separately from that actual conversation, otherwise this whole thing is playing out a bit too much like a Gilbert & Sullivan musical (minus the “gentlemen of Japan”—there aint NO asian boys up in here). 

Time for a group date which is introduced as “Taking a Snow Day” and they mean that in the literal sense, not that this group date will be a coke-fueled orgy.  If only “The Bachelorette” were on HBO…

The cruise around the Vancouver woods on snowmobiles, do a lot of talking, drink some stuff out of thermoses, and generally resemble a white trash posse of Harley Davidson fanatics, only in a snowier setting.  While Robby has some alone time with Jillian, Wes and Tanner talk smack, with Wes saying that Robby “drinks like a fish and doesn’t have a job.”  OK, guitar-strumming Iago-like creepster, you really have a right to come down others for their untraditional life choices.  (Holy play references, readers!  Ya seen those so far?  The Mikado & Othello—what is this, my sophomore year “Intro to Performance Lit” class with kickass Professor Wheatley?  I wish it were, because that would mean that I’m working out 2 hours/day and subsisting on chai smoothies from Café Opus.)

One-by-one, Jillian talks to the guys and grills them about the ongoing issue of who has a girlfriend back home.  Tanner slips into bizarre oracle-mode, with his insistence that he can’t say WHO, but someone does, and Jillian will figure it out eventually.  Dude, just SPIT IT OUT!  You’re not friends with Wes- who cares?  Over the course of these one-on-one chats, Reid is cute & funny, Wes reminds the viewers at home that he HAS A CD COMING OUT, Kiptyn is hooooot and prompts Jillian to slip into drunk face & drunk talk.  As Jillian was saying to Kiptyn, “I like you… do you like me?” I was cringing at her inability to play it cool with a dude.  What are you… ME?  For realsies.  When did everyone else get a copy of “How to Play It Cool Even When You Think He’s Hot” and commit it to memory?  Perhaps during the brief period in my childhood when I had to wear an eye patch?  (Not kidding.  Nothing worse than getting sand kicked in your eye on Cape Cod.  But at least it was at an age when resembling a pirate was pretty cool.) 

Ed plants the seed that his boss isn’t happy and he’s worried about his job.  Understandably.   You gotta wonder what these people do for work, if they can take off a few months to attempt to find love.  Same with the tools who do Real World or Road Rules or those challenges that will somewhat quench their insatiable need to be famous for the remainder of their lives.   I know that for any job I’ve held (and that illustrious resume includes bagel sandwich maker charged with the nightmare task of enforcing the “no toasting” policy, Crate & Barrel employee accursed of having a “bad attitude” because I said the computer systems were ghetto, Gap employee reprimanded for reorganizing the “scents section,” token white girl in the mailroom of a big Boston law firm, peddler of ice cream cakes to fat boys and Diet Cokes to anorexic girls, editor, tour guide) I could NEVER take off an undetermined period of time and expect to come back to my job.  Just not how the world works, kiddos. 

Jillian and Jesse hop on a klap-trap plane (is that even a thing? I just mean a plane that seems wicked budget) and head up to a glacier, where they flop around and roughhouse like two golden retrievers on a first date.  Jesse loves them official proclamations, which his constant reminders that this is his “Best Date! Best Day! Remember Forever!”  What is this, a sixth grade yearbook message?   Have a great summer!

Jesse compliments Jillian’s voice, which I think is bizarre because her voice sounds like it’s in a constant state of almost crying, and her interstitial interview pieces have seemed like wicked drunkface all over the place. Jillian and Jesse hop in a hottub and flop around, then she gives him a rose and he holds it in his hand.  I WISH the Bachelorette would get serious about the 1:1 rose ceremony and ask the guys to pierce it into their skin.  I mean, do you want to find love OR NOT!? 

Time for Chris Harrison’s dream scenario: Ed’s departure, which is UNPRECEDENTED IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY!  Jillian makes Ed promise that when he does meet his soul mate, that he not jeopardize love for his job.  Lady, that’s a pretty passive-aggressive comment and this isn’t a case of him turning his back on PURE LOVE for work.  Ed is leaving a bizarre TV show in which he’s kept in a holding pen for probably 3 out of 4 days, only to be released for days of binge-drinking and feats of human strength.  Ed leaves and we see some precious shots of Jillian riding a ski lift alone, staring off listlessly.  Cry me a river, girl.

Finally, rose ceremony time.  But first, some faux therapy from Chris Harrison, and fuzzy flashback shots.  Jillian decides to scrap the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, saying, “Let’s get down to business.”  Yeah, the BUSINESS of LOVE!  I’d better get a return on THIS investment, am I right!?  I love bad metaphors!   No big news here—she sends Mark home.  No surprise—dude’s standoffish and just not hot.  Though I must admit that my heart went out to Mark when he revealed that he’s been cheated on FOUR TIMES.  What kind of girls are you dating!?   

Coming up: Wes wears corny shirts, somebody experiences erectile dysfunction, and Chris Harrison starts a cognitive behavioral therapy program with Jillian (only kidding, therapy geeks).  And I promise I’ll be quicker with the recaps next time around.