Cue up the Quad City DJ’s “Come on Ride the Train” because the bachelorette is taking this show on the RAILS (get it?).  Where Michelle, Tameka & Tanya at? 

This week we’ve got a group date and two 1:1 dates.  And where is all this madness going down?  On a train cruising across Canada!!!  

Can you think of a WORSE getaway?  No seriously—rack your brain.  Can you think of anything SUCKIER than being in a moving vehicle, in Canada, no less, for three days straight?  I can’t.  And you could see it in the guy’s eyes as Chris Harrison announced the “exciting” train plan.  Harrison tried to dress it up (“We’ll be taking the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilds of Canada!”) but you just can’t put lipstick on that pig.  It’s like on “The Price Is Right” when they announce the suckier of the 2 showcases and it’s so blatantly clear which one stinks.  One showcase is a 3 week trip to Bali with gorgeous waterfront accommodations and then a car thrown in there for when you return to the states.  And the 2^nd showcase is a home recreation set!  Table tennis!  Parcheesi!  Checkers!  Limited Edition Monopoly!  You can just see the fake enthusiasm in the 2^nd contestant’s face.  I mean, I guess that a free home recreation set is a free home recreation set (and tradition is tradition)—but to be THISCLOSE to a sick trip to Bali, only to walk away with a basement full of games?  It’s sad.  About as sad as a cross-Canadian train trip.

Robby gets the first one-on-one date, and Jillian immediately puts him to work bartending because booze makes the world go round.  Or at least makes this show somewhat interesting.  Jillian does her best impression of a Golden Girl, saying how Robby (age 25) makes her feel “young again” (note, she’s 29).  Robby makes an equally bizarre point, saying how, “Love has no age. Love has no job.”  And neither you, buddy.  Whatever helps you sleep at night.  If nothing else, dude looks handsome, although the scenery whizzing by kinda makes me more nauseated than his impression of the little engine that could, when he says, “I think I can, I think I can.”  Apparently ya can’t, kiddo, as Robby gets the boot and is left on the side of the tracks in the Canadian wilderness. 

Up next, a group date of snowshoeing.  Tanner fulfills his super-creepy role and helps Jillian with her snow shoes, so that he can be somewhat close to her feet.  Dude—her feet have boots on them.  They play hide & go seek and Jake finds Jillian and then proceeds to “slip in a little cuddle” (his cheesy words, not mine) which tells us what we need to know about Jake.  Jillian keeps saying that he’s perfect, but it’s not that.  Dude is just CORNY.  He’s sweet and cute and nice, but just way too “gee wiz!” and “neato!” If this were The Bachelorette circa 1950, he’d have the competition sewn up.  Alas, it’s 2K9 and telling a girl that she’s like your mom and super neat isn’t that cool.   

Meanwhile, Reid is trapped alone on the empty train surrounded by snow, like it’s “The Shining 2” (kinda like how “Speed” took place on a bus and “Speed 2” took place on a boat.)  He asks a staff member if he should go with glasses on or off (ON!) and let’s just hope she’s not an apparition that he’s cooked up.

The group date heads back to a ski chalet where Tanner seals his fate by showing off his awful underwear (tightey whiteys) and yet again, referring to himself in the 3^rd person as “Daddy.”  He must be taking a page from Brian’s book (remember him? The loser who got naked & jumped in the pool during episode 2) by mixing up “stepping up my game” with “being creepy and naked and making things weird.”

Speaking of creepy, Wes gets creepier every episode, and yet NONE of the guys are willing to do anything about it (except Tanner, sorta half-heartedly).  In this episode, Wes manages to mention his album yet again, talk about how he’s made it 6 episodes and that will help sell records, and how he can TASTE the fame that he’s getting from this.  Again, his words, not mine.   (And buddy, the fame that you’re tasting—does that taste anything like Jamie “How Do You Talk to an Angel” Walter’s fame?  Cause it goes bad real quick and you find yourself on “Confessions of a Teen Idol” if you’re lucky.  (Parenthesis within parenthesis for  a real nugget of useless info: I must admit that Jamie Walters was the most normal, functional participant in that show. Then again, he was up shacking up with nutjobs like Eric “Remember The Grind? Remember?” Nies and Jeremy “I was the only not-hot person on Baywatch” Johnson.  Now, time to get outta these parenthesis before this whole thing blows!))  My point is this: Wes, if you think that being the creepy bad guy on “The Bachelorette” is going to help you sell records, you’re delusional. 

Later, when Tanner admits that he’s the one who told Jillian about some guys having girlfriends, Wes tees off about how he hates tattle-tales.  First, can we not talk like 6 year olds, please? The correct phrasing, if drug dealers and murderers of Boston are any indication, is “stop snitching” and ya know who pushes the “stop snitching” agenda?  People who have stuff to worry about being snitched on.  (Same way that the only people who tell you to “relax” or “take it easy” or “calm down” are people who are probably doing something bad and you should NOT relax when you’re around them.  I always say, “Ya know who LOVES telling people to ‘relax’?  Pedophiles.”  Well, I don’t ALWAYS say that, because how often does a discussion of pedophilia come up?  Either way, I drop it when it’s applicable.)     

Time for Reid’s 1:1 and he takes the train ghost’s advice and goes sans glasses.  Bad choice!  Your frames are super cute!  They go snowboarding, which looks wholly nightmarish, but Reid does his best.  We then learn that Reid is Jewish (“It’s like every morning is Christmas morning!” / “Christmas morning is just a morning when I wake up and have no gifts”), a bit annoying and neurotic (according to Jesse), and a bit of a hypochondriac (discussing the potential cross-contamination involved in fondue).  He makes a great joke about high blood pressure and admits that he normally dates blondes.  I knew I liked this guy.  Needless to say, Jillian completely misses the blood pressure joke and is doomed to endure life as a brunette, so I’m not so sure about the future for these two.  (No offense to my brunette peeps—I just know that I can’t swing it.  I was a brunette for 6 months in London and I made myself INSANE with how badly I wanted back to blondeness.)  Jillian also admits that she doesn’t wash fruit & vegetables when she buys them.  Wah?  Who does that? Do you also grow your own fungus for penicillin? 

Finally, time for the rose ceremony.  Reid & Kiptyn were already given roses (during the fondue date and in a hottub, respectively), and she has 3 more to give out.  Jesse, Michael, and Wes get roses.  2 out of 3 good choices.  Kiptyn’s going to take this whole thing, though.

Who went home?  Foot fetish Tanner & simpleton Jake.  What can we learn from these two?

Tanner—don’t be a super creep (but DO listen to “Super Tramp” if you can—I never tire of “Take the Long Way Home.”)   If you find yourself saying things like, “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family” and, “Her feet are probably a 9 to a 9.5.  If her toes were painted Mango Mango, it would be a 10” just take yourself out of the game and get yourself into a foot fetish rehab, stat.

Jake—don’t be so earnest & corny.  He’s perfectly nice and friendly, but just a bit boring and vanilla.  As Maypo’s agent says in “Maypo’s Final Adventure,” I’ve got butter knives with more edge than you have. 

Up next?  Hometown dates!  5 of them. Does this seem excessive to anyone else?  Perhaps my memory is going, but I feel like there used to be 3-4 hometown dates.  5 seems like a lot.  Also, they travel to Spain (thank goodness we’re finally getting out of Canada), Wes shamelessly plugs his band some more, and Jake comes back in a pilot uniform, which surprisingly, doesn’t impress me much (barf—I just referenced a Shania Twain song circa 1999).  Normally I love men in uniform (seriously—cop, fireman, Fedex, those vests that say “Contractor” worn by guys fixing the subway), but Jake in a pilot uniform doesn’t do it for me.   

Until next week…