The Bachelorette: Episode 7 Recap
Pussycats!
So yesterday was Monday, and rather than being all, "Drat, I've got a case of the Mondays," I was fired up because it's Bachelorette night and hometown dates were upon us! The episode wherein otherwise normal American families invite a pseudo-celebrity into their homes and attempt to make small talk (and big talk) about whether or not said faux celeb is a match for their son/daughter. Let the awkwardness begin!
I headed over to the lovely apartment of my friend Susan, who is a Bachelorette die-hard just as I am. She ordered some delicious pizza and opened a bottle of wine while we waited for her friends Jennie and Jessie. Once we were assembled and had time to talk trash, reflect on the downfall of characters from previous seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette (exposing an embarassing wealth of knowledge for such things), it was 8:40. No problem-- DVR was rolling so we could watch from the beginning and skip commercials... or so we thought! Can you tell where this is going!? (If not, you're an idiot.) Alas, our dreams were dashed when we realized that her DVR pulled a "IT team from my job" (that is, it didn't work) and didn't tape.
I headed over to the lovely apartment of my friend Susan, who is a Bachelorette die-hard just as I am. She ordered some delicious pizza and opened a bottle of wine while we waited for her friends Jennie and Jessie. Once we were assembled and had time to talk trash, reflect on the downfall of characters from previous seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette (exposing an embarassing wealth of knowledge for such things), it was 8:40. No problem-- DVR was rolling so we could watch from the beginning and skip commercials... or so we thought! Can you tell where this is going!? (If not, you're an idiot.) Alas, our dreams were dashed when we realized that her DVR pulled a "IT team from my job" (that is, it didn't work) and didn't tape.
So we jumped into the hometown dates with Jesse's family at the winery. Yes, dear readers, I missed Kiptyn's CA superchill family, Reid's (hopefully equally neurotic) PA family, Michael's Pop & Lock Queens Crew-- so many hometown dates! Dub Tee Effff!!!
But let's look on the bright side. I studied existentialism in college and hey-- things happen to you (like your DVR friggity drops the ball on the most important night of your LIFE!), and the only thing you can do is choose how you react. So I'll choose to roll with the hour and 20 minutes that we got, and ignore the other parts. Deal with it!
Jesse's family! Pretty rad that they run a winery and are a California-style Partridge Family Band. (Though the original Partridge Family was from CA, too-- so I guess Jesse's family isn't the CA version. Whatever. You know what I mean. Do I sound surly today? Well maybe I am-- stop judging me. I mean, didn't YOU find the family jam session kinda weird and hokey?) Jessie (the girl chilling at my vieweing gathering, not the dude in the show) made an excellent point that Jesse's brother Jacob looks like a human Gaston (Beauty & the Beast-- know your Disney cartoons!) and it's so true. He hit Jillian with some pretty hard questions, but he seemed fun and candid. And the family jam was somewhat endearing, I suppose.
Speaking of bands, ya know who has a band? WES! They have a CD coming out--did he mention that? Oh yeah, how could we forget, when Jillian arrived in Austin and went STRAIGHT to meet the band. Wes is laying it on about as thick as I like cream cheese on my bagel (which is THICK. I went through an unfortunate phase where cream cheese and I were NOT cool. That's what happens when you work at a bagel shop and are exposed to quantities of cream cheese that are straight-up grody. You ever seen a paint bucket filled with cream cheese? I don't know why, but see a couple of those and you'll never want cream cheese again. Or at least not for a few years. And so ends the gripping tale of "When Selena Worked at Brueggers Bagels in Weston Center During Most of High School.")
Our barrage of crap faux-country music was quickly interrupted by shots of JAKE (negged last week) walking rapidly through the halls of a Holiday Inn. Nothing communicates, "I'm here to save Jillian from a broken heart" quite like shots of a dude in an airplane captain outfit, hustling around a low-budget hotel. Jillian puts her acting skills to bad use as she pretends to be shocked when she answers the door and there's Jake, dressed for a Puerto Rican wedding (that is, a Puerto Rican tux, denim-on-denim). Jake drops the bomb that Wes does indeed have a girlfriend for sure. Apparently Wes mentioned the girl on three separate occasions, and her name is Laurel. Incidentally, that's my sister's name. Laurel, have you fallen for a crappy country crooner with a forehead full of Botox and a heart full of lies? Hopefully there's another Laurel in this crazy, mixed up world.
Jillian is upset, crying, and confused, despite the fact that there should be no confusion here--Wes is a bad guy, girl! As I told the girls last night--whether or not he does or doesn't have a girlfriend right now or did before or they broke up but are still close--whatever. Either way, Wes is drama drama and just a very suspicious character, and for that alone, she should drop him. When you're dating and getting to know each other, stuff should be EASY. If it's hard or weird or full of games THAT early on, move on! It's not worth it. The few healthy relationships in my history always started fairly quickly & easily-- we just fell into it. Whenever that doesn't work with a guy and it's a lot of weird games, I become suspicious and I tend to think it just won't work. As Jennie's mother put it: The person you marry will make the best times like HELL, and the worst times, worse than hell--- so choose carefully. True!
Jillian and Wes talk and he manipulates the crap out of her by pushing her away and acting like somehow these suspicions are HER fault and he won't even speak to those issues. He completely avoids her questions, even when Jake joins them for a Jerry Spring-style face-off. Jake should be a lawyer (after he gets some new clothes) cause he hits Wes with some hard facts and is very smart to drop the girlfriend's name, and specific instances when Wes mentioned her. Alas, Jake is the one who ends up WEEPING in the hallway of the Holiday Inn (a pretty hilarious shot) and Jillian stupidly goes home with Wes to meet his family (who are all female and "never met a straightening iron they didn't like," as Susan so aptly put it.)
Jillian and Wes share the drama with Wes' family, and Wes' family is not surprised at all (which is even MORE suspicious). They play it off like Jake is just jealous and this happens all the time. So, family-of-Wes, this is "totes norms" (as I say when I'm trying to talk like a jerk)? THAT is worrisome. Ya know what's totes norms? Anorexia in high school (that stuff was more contagious than pink eye at my high school). Gladiator-style sandals on the streets of New York City (those shoes are everywhere!). Dudes with beautiful Boston accents on the beaches of South Boston (why do you think I hang out there?) But everyone in the world conspiring to prevent Wes from getting the girl? Doesn't strike me as totes norms.
Final curve ball of this episode: Ed's return! Again, Jillian puts on her "acting surprised" face when she answers the door and there's Ed. He's done a LOT of soul-searching over the past however-many days (5? 7?) and he wants to be let back in. This spells disaster for 2 guys, as the rose ceremony will now have 6 suitors there, with only 4 moving on. Jessie called it right away: Michael, you can't pop & lock your way outta this one! We all saw it coming.
But first, Jillian has to have a heart to heart with Chris "suddenly my forehead looks like it's filled with hair plugs" Harrison and she's gotta clock some quality time staring at a wall of photos. She's also gotta refer to something as "bananas" because she's wearing a yellow dress, and who doesn't love a reference to bananas? (I'll tell ya who-- a high school classmate whose bizarre complexion lead to numerous comparisons to a banana. Want more info on this? Call 555-SHIZ.) Has this blog entry dragged on long enough? Let's get to the rose ceremony.
Who got roses?
Reid - Nice! Hot glasses. Excellent.
Kiptyn - Of course!
Ed - Bronze medal for the triumphant return of the prodigal hottie.
Wes - Good lord, girlie! You are a glutton for punishment! We've all dated a bad guy like this before, but not at the age of 29! Grow up!
Who went home?
Jesse - Your Gaston-like brother couldn't save you. You became hotter during this episode, but just not hot enough. Peace out, bakalaw.
Michael - Awww sweetie. This breaks my heart. He seems like a doll and dude is totally cute. Sadly, his heart was broken like Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Up next! Jillian and the boys head to Spain, where Wes continues to follow the suggestions of The Game and play with Jillian's heart.
I dunno - if this episode didn't prove it, nothing will but Jillian's a freakin' idiot...
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selena,
love! that post. i missed the first half too, though i can only blame my pregnant memory and not my dvr, and, as much as i hate to admit it, you can watch the part you missed at abc.com, as i readily discovered in my teacher summer pj's this morning! hope you're well! xx care
ps- and oh yeah, boo wes for sure!
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She is an idiot. I particularly loved the scenes for next week's episode, when Wes slips and says "my girlfriend, I mean, um, ex-girlfriend." Right, like anyone buys that. Plus, super-perfect Jake lying? Wouldn't happen. She should have dropped Wes for Jesse, though, she'll get what she deserves, I'm sure!
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